some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
