I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
