so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
