Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
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