I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
