remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
