I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
