i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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