Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
