Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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