college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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