nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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