The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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