I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
