Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
