apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
