We're like a lot better than the average bears
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
