home. puking in laundry basket.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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