it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
