so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize