Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize