my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
