I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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