I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
