I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
