1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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