If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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