I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
