if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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