Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
