i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
