Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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