I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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