I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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