Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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