R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
