awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
