I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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