did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im six kinds of drunk right now
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
