In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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