if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
