Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
