Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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