yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
