Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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