My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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