I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
