I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
