so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
