Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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