Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I will die if light touches me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
