The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Did I show you my penis last night?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
