She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This beer is not sobering me up at all
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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