Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
