Tell her she can't have a vagina
false alarm. still invincible.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
