I CAN MOONWALK!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
