We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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