Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dear god my vagina.
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