I will die if light touches me.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
