my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
