You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
