So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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