i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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